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sande

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[04 May 2009|11:44am]
the last time i was as hungover as i am right now, adam made me couscous and we talked about living together, but then that it was probably a bad idea after only a year.
i lied to him again and again last night and now its over and im dying from the inside out via too much whiskey. i dont feel anything at all except sick. not depressed yet, theres a little anger and embarrassment at myself but shouldn't sad kick in by now?
he called ned to make sure i was okay, wish that was a shred of hope. maybe? i dont even know.


an m&m just made me yak, kinda wish id gone grocery shopping ever recently. not hungry but dont like feeling shreds in my stomach.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[01 May 2009|01:47am]
i don't like livejournal anymore because i don't like anything about the person i used to be, but this seems appropriate.

its may 1 and this is the one year anniversary of my getting together with my boyfriend adam of the past year. before him i was in an emotionally abusive but pretty amazing relationship with another brick wall human that went through xyz crazy thing over three years. im young still but i was just a baby for that.


adam and i broke up a week ago because we have too many individual problems to have a good relationship with each other. he's a closed off and judgmental recluse and im immature, a liar and a cheat. we've been living in a bubble that makes sense to no one else.

i can go on about so much with this but thats not the issue on my mind for the first time in a week. thing is, i've spent so much of this time thinking i was superior because i had more friends and outside everything than he did. I live with some of my bests, i'm always talking to someone, blah blah. adams sheltered from growing up on a fucking island and being an elitist, its not an excuse for not having people but its his situation.

now we're broken up-a break really, evaluation time whatever. breaks are nice for multiple days of 5 hour walks not clouded by anything but trying to make the best of time with someone. and i had the instant support from my crew the day it happened, but it was all just a battle to see who could give the best, the most, the least advice. i was drunk and crying and a mess until i saw him 2 days later to talk it out ourselves, but everyone did a little bit of trying to be there.

we broke up friday and spent sunday crying/talking in the park and then taking a 5 hour walk/trip to way west philly for dinner. monday, he started his quest of figuring out how to not be a recluse with himself or in a bubble with me, and i took time alone. tore my room up and rearranged, all that stuff. secretly i waited all day for my amazing friends to make me better but no support came. not from my bests at least.

a dear friend i've only made in the past year has been my daily support, as well as a new and the only great friend i've made at hard rock has been pretty consistent. i'm not a child, but i'm surely scared shitless right now. it's been 5 days and now i don't feel alone because im not cohabitating anymore, but because where are my friends? where are the people ive known the longest and thought i loved the most?
i've never been asked for so many things as i have this week, or maybe its a normal week but im used to different distractions. im kind of standing here willing to do the same things for everyone i know, but really consciously realizing that not many are even trying to do the same for me.

adam and i have been texting all day every day, and hang out wednesdays and sundays. it's hard to take super long walks, still do cute shit like franklin fountain and share food, but it's the best as well. it's never been so hard not to touch another person, but it's an experience. we're going to 2 concerts in the next couple weeks, weve never been to any together before somehow.
but it's all the time right now when its not a wednesday or a sunday that i need a little help, and all the friends i thought i had are not here. adams figuring out how to be social, and i only tonight realized how much i need to evaluate that my friends arent as good as i wish they were. when i got upset over this, he was the one to ditch his everything else and talk me through it.


here is where the learning curve changes. i said i want to be a grown up and independent-i guess everyone else got the memo before me to have me go through this alone. somehow, i will learn to do this and take all my friends with a grain of salt.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[24 Sep 2008|07:44pm]
ancient old feelings fit in here. its almost october, my bones are always cold already and im currently living between class, photo lab, the gym, valanni, tech center and somehow still pw. i havent spent more than 6 hours in my own bed in three weeks.


also, all i feel like doing is jumping on a plane and hiding out in florida for a few days. i couldnt be doing better for myself here but i just want to do everything possible to sabotage the perfect relationship im in with adam and just fucking tear my hair out and hide.

my mentor larry at school told me to just eat a lot of klonapin and chill out already. a funny joke. he also referred me to an intership at nylon i actually could stand a chance in hell at getting but IM TOO FUCKING BUSY ALREADY. vaggfurwbg.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[10 Sep 2008|09:15pm]
made moves a while ago,



http://pande.tumblr.com/
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[01 Aug 2008|02:44am]
i dont even have the right words for how good you are
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[29 Jun 2008|09:17am]
last night was one of the most brilliant nights of my whole summer. it's so dumb how recently i've felt more than ever like i was growing into myself, but all of a sudden its just like waking up and belonging and getting things right.
plus, having 2 of my oldest wisest friends from home come visit and talk endlessly about how they can tell how much i belong here, running into people all over the street that i know, making new friends completely randomly everywhere (cracked out charlie and a member of one of my ancient favorite bands mmmm and etc) and just having the reaffirmations that no matter what, they regard me as a good friends and know i would always be there for anyone. its so tacky to thrive on this but i don't think i've been so happy in an ungodly amount of time, if ever.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[17 Jun 2008|07:32pm]
if all of my summer/life could just be going on "walks to the corner" that turn into unexpected 2 hour walks to north philly in the middle of the night for chipwiches, or kissing 400 times a minute and having the stamina of 16 year olds, that would be just fine. 2 months, content. this is different than what im used to knowing for the past 3 years, content.

plus living NOT IN NORTH PHILADELPHIA makes the entire world a better place, as does living with best friends on the cutest animal street alive. free bike is nice, as is constant motion and being in the middle of everything important.



school is good and work is okay, im broker than ever and dont care. im also probably anemic and covered in crazy bruises everywhere, but its whatever. summer, you are so good.




i wish i could make out with weezy baby.
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only keep myself in story worthy situations [14 Jun 2008|09:42am]
i call this "i like a commitmentphobe with back issues, round 25"


i'm going to get more hurt by this than i normally do and refuse to face that.


aren't you a little clever
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[02 Jun 2008|09:34am]
HELLO, NEW HOUSE. HI.



panicky day of 4 north phil-south phil trips with a crazy post breakup sister, QT with our cokehead roommate, gay people i dont know being drunk here before i even got most of my stuff in, and going out for an end of the day beer with ned and buying toothpaste drunk and then sleepoverz. we have mice. its a nice start.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[01 Jun 2008|11:16am]
im finally moving after 2 years of living in the scummiest north philly blah gross. i spent my last night(eh, week) of this apartment not here because weve been having sleepovers at adams instead of my apartment since we both hate it here so much (dear god does it smell awful).

on the upside, its been real. good and bad and nuts. i've changed a lot here and with so much change happening recently, its nice to live EXACTLY where i was hoping for during the past 2 years finally finally. fitter, happier, more productive.



///
we were sitting in rittenhouse drinking blue moon because we never have bottle openers and adam said my whole perception of philadelphia will change finally not living awful north.
bianca and her mom drove all the way to philly friday just to see sex and the city specifically with me (sofuckinggood), and wanda got us drunk which was crazy since she was the strictest mom i've known since 6th grade when bianca and i made friends. growing up you are so weird.

oh, spontaneous written valanni hostess test and i got a 100%. no one else did and its so lame that i take so much pride in silly things like that. the first thing going in my new house is that test onto the refrigerator, and then im showering kisses on kristin and ned and holyfucking hell, FINALLY.






hi, south
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detroit was nice [27 May 2008|12:58am]
my sister and i got drunk in the airport and found some weirdest health mart at 11 am. the hotel was a big beautiful monstrosity aka gorgeous but sucked. rehersal dinner was torture but i mean, knowing about 6 people out of 300 is kind of guaranteed to suck anyway. drank so much including amaretto and whiskey with my dad, and my cousin finally outed himself to me and lisa (well, finally). we room serviced a bottle of expensive wine with adam geoffery and they made fun of hearing 8 years worth of my awful stories and lisas recent successes, as well as hearing how my little cousin geoff is just a college slut.
no sleep ever. beauty hotel suite with all females all day, a boy outside who worked there told me i was adorable in curlers and im still blushing (number exchange, i've conquered detroit). pictures etc, rich jewish wedding yadda yadda. 400 ish people, x that number by one thousand for total cost? cool, rich family.
wedding was gorgeous, all that. since my dad and aunt are in such hot water with each other it was nice to be completely away from parents and spend time with all of them instead. 3 am back at the hotel, got free wine thanks to a mishap with room service. met a man in the lobby at 4 am, he was biking (mind, hotel was off a highway in detroit so uh) but stopped to take a breather in a lobby, and his son had gotten a sunflower seed stuck in his teeth and was trying to knife it out.

cab driver brought his girlfriend, she sat in the front seat complaining about being a fashion major but going colorblind lately. i wish i had time to nap somewhere in there. 5 planes in a week and a half blows.

dear body, stop. go to sleep.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

wut [20 May 2008|10:39am]
[ mood | not real ]

this morning i broke up with someone i've been with for 3 years at 507 am sitting outside of an airport, sleep deprived and losing my mind. im going to believe it was for the best, even though its not really the end of anything.


for the first time ever, it feels so good to be back in philly. oh so good.

thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

for blind eyes anyway [16 May 2008|10:14pm]
i'm in florida and michael has a kidney infection (read: people who can never catch a break). i bombed my finals due to stress and taking on way too much (amazing internship + hours at work + i just hate school in general). otherwise, things arent even all that bad. i got offered another internship i had applied for, for philly.com, aka website for the daily news and inquirer. such good experience but between valanni, summer school, and my already brilliant internship it could just never be managed.


i went into a severe panic upon getting here and almost flipped out and went home for no reason. i underappreciate how good my sister is sometimes, because when i called her bawling over nothing except being stuck in a black hole of nothing she jumped at paying my way home and taking care of me. i have 2 moms, im so lucky.

speaking of sister, lisa turns 30 in 2 days, and i wish i wasnt missing it but as usual, i miss everything to hibernate here.


michaels been so perfect aside from being sick, which is his norm anyway. sickest boy alive. i dont know why i sunk into such a depression. he bought me the office season 1 and the first season of frisky dingo for anniversary. i wish i wasnt dying to go home and watch them, i wish i wasnt just so excited to go home in general. 3 days.


summer, be easy.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[12 May 2008|12:09am]
Photobucket



even when your lives are growing completely apart and speaking is the hardest thing to do, its nice to know you have the most solid best friendship in the world. and you can still call bawling over absolutely nothing/everything and know you'll feel better in the length of a conversation (and knowledge of fried pickles in the future)




i had a worse breakdown than i've had in ages tonight and thank god for salex bestfriend jawnz. knock on wood things will always be ok.

more than halfway done with college, more than obsessed with valanni respectables, nikki moves on wednesday and then me+kristin+ned in 2 weeks, going to florida in 2 days even though the timing is awful. im going to talk to the music editor at PW about things to do outside my internship and just what. revolving world. chill the fuck a little.



i have brilliant people in my life. repeat repeat.
1 thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[10 May 2008|12:05am]
6 mos anniversary at valanni.
florida tuesday, that anniversary toooooo.
new house 3 weeks. stupid michigan wedding. killing temple u always.

http://harvestmoonroolz.ytmnd.com/

the more things change, the more they stay the same.
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da weekend [04 May 2008|06:56pm]
ive been so good about going out. alexis's brothers/rugby house, random etc, etc etc. force force anxiety force.

last night nikki and i were finally semi-busted for drinking at work but of course nobody cared because valanni is glorious KOW. then respectful ryan and his best friend from high school took nik and i on a "double date" to the fanciest bar alive on the 19th floor of an office building. coolest place in the entire world. we ran a massive tab that RR&co paid for, but thats okay because they're 28, ex marines, and make bank now even as waiters/dealers/who cares. even more slammin since they knew it wasn't romantic in the slightest.

blunts and dead phones and dance party. mook n peters house FINALLY at 2 am, to appear to massive punchin' fights and drunk psychos and a chipper garrett.
coming home to a still-existing crazy party at my house that alexis threw, some drunk kid tried to yell at me as i walked into the door of my own house so i threw a hiss fit/kicked him out. theres so much dirt on our floors and frozen margarita and singlebeerleftfromXpack variety cans.


even waking up megz early on a sunday for work is fun. its weird how much i like this job. kind of like how now its just BACK to valanni to scoop baby nikki and company and go to lauras graduation party. i should be showering but its also so nice to sit down.


yeah, nice.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

[29 Apr 2008|10:58am]
so tired so cranky so behind so tired so cranky so behind so tired so cranky oh so behind
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

SICK SICKLY MOOD [24 Apr 2008|11:44am]
early morning counseling is a womp
i started my internship at PW and couldn't be more psyched even though its loads of busy work and ridiculous
im also stuck in the rut of having not wanting to talk to friends that my crazy psychologist wrote off as something resembling "less than positive"
maybe i shouldnt be taking the advice of someone who didnt reprimand me for going to a counseling meeting drunk though,
ive done a lot of good things for myself this semester and now only want to be surrounded by positives and inspirationals and all that jazz.


florida makeouts and my dog would be nice
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

ohhhyes [07 Apr 2008|02:32am]
busdriver holy fuck im obsessed with you. ive been reading so many books as internship prep (love to be a know-it-all) and had the navy here 3 weekends in a row. its getting sunny and im antsy for something but dunno what. bompbompboring.
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

thats the good leg placement [01 Apr 2008|01:22am]
james has been here the past 2 weekends, which is funny after not seeing him for over a year and manohman did we both change. its so weird to not see him tripping dying bugging on 8 or 12 different drugs and drinks and instead to be one of the coolest people imaginable. where did this come from. wut, im confused.




also nikki works with me at valanni now, so no more required being there every. single. weekend. shift. thank god for the return of the saturday off. i spent this whole weekend not sleeping (xexhaustionx) with people who turned out to be super fucking cool from harrisburg, going to new york at 6 am to bug out at bridal showers and make best friends with my mom yet again. nice road trips with james back to philly, SUPRISINGLY AMAZING house party in our apartment and navy-friend was here till today and just chaww. back to listening to so much hip hop and feeling a little more like xyzxyzxyz.






dear murs, love ya love ya love ya
thank you for a funky time, tell me if you wanna grind

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